In the photograph, the German Army parades into Paris in June, 1940, shortly after the French evacuated their capital city without a fight. Typical...
The Complete Military History of France
Get the impression from this site that I don't like the perfidous, treacherous Frenchies? You guessed right! Enjoy...
58 B.C. - The Gallic Wars. Result: Loss.
France, then known as "Gaul", allows itself to be conquered by the Italians, who were led by Julius
Caesar. This war would set the tone, and lower the bar, for French
military involvement for the next 2000 years. The war is believed to be the root of the French hate for pasta.
486 A.D. - The Frankish Invasion.
Result: Loss.
France, still known as "Gaul" at this time, was invaded by the Franks
under King Chlodovech. The Roman governor of Gaul, Syragius, started the
long-standing tradition of surrender by yielding to Chlodovech. In the aftermath
of the Frankish conquest, the natives renamed their land in honor of the Franks
(a Germanic people), changing Gaul's name to "Francia", which became
France. They also forgot about Syragius and began to claim the great Chlodovech
as one of their own, calling him Clovis. This revisionism continued for
centuries, culminating in the reign of Kaiser Karl der Grosse, who the Frenchies
renamed "Charlemagne".
845 A.D. - Ragnar Lodbrok's
Invasion. Result: Loss.
More than 30 years after the death of Karl der Grosse, the western portion of
his Empire (what we now call France) is under the rule of the weak Charles the
Bald. In 845, the Viking raider and King of Denmark, Ragnar Lodbrok, sails down
the Seine River with 120 ships and captures Paris. After a brief fight in which
Ragnar routs half of Charles' army, the Bald One SURRENDERS and begs for peace.
Ragnar agrees to leave in exchange for 7,000 pounds of silver.
911 A.D. - The Second Viking
Invasion. Result: Loss.
Following in the footsteps of the legendary Ragnar, a powerful Viking leader
named Rollo invades France and captures the city of Rouen. The King, Charles
III, aka "The Simple," remembers what happened to Charles the Bald and
SURRENDERS before Rollo decides to march on Paris. King Charlie offers Rollo and
his men more than 18,500 square miles of prime real estate on the Channel coast
as an incentive not to pick on him anymore. As a result, the Duchy of Normandy,
named in honor of the "Northmen," is born. For a few centuries, France
thus has some good soldiers.
1336 to 1453 A.D. - Hundred Years War Result: Win. (yes, the ONLY war France
ever won!)
After being invaded by Britain, it took the French over 100 years to
get their land back
and eventually win the war because the Brits got sick of fighting. This
result was achieved only after a French WOMAN (Joan Of Arc), not a
French MAN, helped drive out the English invaders. This established the
First Rule Of French Warfare, which states:
"The French Military shall win no battles when at the command of a French male".
1494 to 1559 A.D. - The Italian Wars. Result: Loss.
Charles VIII of France invades Italy and holds it, until the Swiss Army
(armed to the teeth with multi-functional pocket knives) helps Italy
rout them in 1513. France becomes the only country to lose two wars to
Italy.
1562 to 1598 A.D. - Wars of Religion. Result: 5 Losses/4 Draws.
France manages to lose 5 wars, and draw in 4 others, over a 26 year period.
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| This says it all, doesn't it? Yes, it's photoshopped, so you won't get the same thing if you try it at home, but it's not far off the mark! |
LOSS: The First War
(1562) - Huguenots (French Protestant noblemen) get English and German
soldiers to help them defeat the French Military. French women get
their first encounters with German and British men.
LOSS: The Second War (1567) - The French get the Spanish (who were real ass-kickers at the time) to help them defeat the
Huguenots. Despite having Spanish muscle behind them, the French lose anyway.
LOSS: The Third War (1568) - The French get even more outside help, but the Huguenots kick their butts again.
Huguenots begin mocking those little curly French moustaches, forcing many French men to begin shaving.
St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre (1572) - This wasn't a "war", but it
demonstrates a significant point in French Military History. After
being defeated three times at the hands of the
Huguenots, the French decide to massacre the Huguenot leadership by
breaking down the door on an early Sunday morning and killing them
after awaking them from a sound sleep. This is the first indication
that the French can only win when the other side doesn't expect they
are coming.
DRAW: The Fourth War (1572) - The pissed-off Huguenots decide not to
pay taxes to the French after the massacre. The French attack, but
cannot pull out a victory.
LOSS: The Fifth War (1576) - The Huguenots, still pissed off, invade
the rest of
France. When they threaten to take over Paris, the French negotiate the
"Peace Of Monsieur", demonstrating for the first time that the French
don't like war because they can't win a war.
DRAW: The Sixth War (1577) - The French try to get back at the
Huguenots by invading, but the
Huguenot armies survive unscathed. Faced with the fact that they can't
win, the French sign the "Peace of Bergerac", ending the war.
DRAW: The Seventh War (1580) - The French attack again, managing to
capture the city of Cahors. But the war ends with another peace treaty,
and the
Huguenot armies still intact.
DRAW: The War of the Three Henries (1584) - After losing much French
territory, three French military commanders named "Henri" manage only
to reclaim lost territory after the longest of the Religious Wars. The
name "Henri" begins to be given to boys who wish to grow up to be
ballerina's, or other "artsy" types.
LOSS: The Wars of the League (1589) - The Huguenots finally overrun the
French and take control of the country, despite the French receiving
assistance from the
Spanish. Unfortunately, a later French king decided to run the Huguenots
off, which removed the only good fighters in the whole country, with predictable
results...
1634 to 1648 A.D. - Thirty Year's War. Result: Draw.
France only participated in a small phase of this war, during which
time they teamed up with the Swiss. In the end, nothing was militarily
accomplished, garnering (at best) a
draw for the French. However, the French learned how to make "really
great cheese with holes in it" from the Swiss.
1667 to 1668 A.D. - The War of Devolution. Result: Loss.
France overran the Spanish Netherlands and Franche-Comté, which pissed
off Spain, England, and Sweden whom promptly forced France to make
peace. The War featured Frenchmen wearing red flowerpots as hats, which
signified the beginning of the French "era of style", which served as
an inspiration for the 1980's band "Devo."
1665 to 1678 A.D. - The Dutch War. Result: Draw.
The French attacked Holland and was able to force the Dutch to sign the
Breda Treaty (1667). In 1678 the French paid England to NOT come to the
aid of the Dutch, but they still could only manage a tie that ended a
peace treaty.
1688 to 1697 A.D. - War of the Augsburg League. Result: Loss (but claimed as a tie by the French).
Also known as "King William's War" and the "French and Indian War",
this was the first extension of "French Military Might" into the "New
World". The French started this war by duping local Indians to help
them burn Schenectady, New York. In the end, the French could only
manage a "draw" (in the French mind), and the poor
Indians got the living crap kicked out of them. But since the French
started the war and couldn't win it, they really earn a loss (in the
non-French mind).
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| This was a poster used by the Fascist government of Vichy France during World War II. It encouraged French to join the Milice, which was Vichy France's version of the Gestapo. Thanks to the Vichy government, France got to lose World War II twice! |
1701 to 1713 - War of the Spanish Succession. Result: Loss.
British and French continue to skirmish in the New World, but the
British Navy forces the French to sign the Treaty of Utrecht (1713),
which forces France to give up Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. The War
also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough (the "Earl Of
Marlborough", not the cigarettes), which they have loved every since
(the cigarettes, not the "Earl Of Marlborough").
1754 to 1763 - Seven Year's
War/French and Indian War. Result: Loss.
All the major powers of Europe except Britain gang up on Prussia, while Britain
and France duke it out in America over their respective colonies. Ultimately,
Prussia fights all of Europe to a draw, while the British conquer all the French
colonies on the North American mainland. As a result, Canada gets stuck, to
this day, with millions of disaffected Frenchies, who changed the name of their
land from "New France" to "Quebec".
1776 to 1783 - The American Revolution. Result:
Draw (French Objectives not met).
American Colonists defeat Britain, and the French take the majority of
the credit. This is later to be known as the "de Gaulle Syndrome",
which appeared when Charles De Gaulle, a French resistance leader,
takes most of the credit for winning World War II by defeating the Nazis (even though his country was invaded and held for most of the
war). This signifies the dawn of the Second Rule Of French Warfare,
which states that "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting".
1789 to 1792 - The French Revolution. Result: Draw (a Win and a Loss).
This war created the Third Rule Of French Warfare, "you can assure
victory if you fight against yourself". The French people, inspired by
the victory of the American people in the American Revolutionary War,
and seeing an opportunity to finally win a war (albeit against
themselves), are motivated to put down their wine and cheese and
overthrow their own government.
1791 to 1803 - The Haitian
Rebellion. Result: Loss.
Definitive proof that France's ephemeral military victories in the Napoleonic
era were due solely to Nappy, and not to any improvement in the French Army.
Tens of thousands of Haitian slaves rise up against their French colonial
masters and enslavers, ultimately winning their independence and founding the
first nation created by former slaves. France sent thousands of troops to Haiti,
only to get their butts kicked and eventually give up.
1798 to 1800 - Quasi-War with
America. Result: Loss.
This was the one time that the Frenchies were stupid enough to take on America.
When the United States decided it didn't want anything to do with the latest war
between Great Britain and France, the French took to attacking American ships on
the high seas. After two years of heavy losses in warships and the SURRENDER of
more than 80 French vessels, France calls off the shooting war, signing the
Treaty of Mortefontaine.
1804 to 1815 - The Napoleonic Wars. Result: Loss.
There were a total of seven wars that made up the overall "Napoleonic
Wars". There were some temporary victories for French forces under
command of a
Italian Corsican named Napoleone Buonaparte (remember the First Rule?)
but the final result was the same.
WON: War Of The 3rd Coalition (1804-05) - Napoleon defeats the Russian and Austrian armies.
WON: Jena and Auerstadt (1806-07) - Napoleon defeats the Prussian army.
WON: War Against Austria (1809) - Napoleon defeats the Austrian armies again...barely.
LOSS: Peninsular War (1807-14) - Napoleon conquers Spain, then leaves it in the
hands of his native French generals, who promptly lose it to the British and
Spanish guerrillas. (The First Rule strikes again!)
LOSS: Invasion Of Russia (1812) - Being around the Frenchies finally rubbed off
on Nappy. He invades Russia too late in the year, and his string of victories comes to an end
at the hand of Russian armies, and the notorious Russian winter.
LOSS: War Of Liberation (1813-14) - A coalition of allies consisting of
Austria, Great Britain, Prussia, Russia, and Sweden send Napoleon
packing after killing nearly 100,000 of his men. The battle likely was
the beginning of the French's "dislike" of coalitions, which has since
compelled them not to be a part of any.
LOSS: 100 Days War (1815) - With France being overrun by its enemies,
Napoleon surrendered to the British and was forced into exile on the
island of St. Helena. His continual complaints of, "you call this
FOOD?" led to many instances of torture and humiliation at the hands of
his guards, including:
Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.
Is it true that the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training is "How To Surrender In 10 Languages"?
Do you know why the French smell so badly? So that BLIND people can hate them, too!
I'll bet it's great to be French . . you can surrender at the beginning of a war, then have someone else win it for you.
The French would be a great member of a military alliance . . we would
send you in first to teach the enemy how to surrender.
Guard: "How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?" . . . Napoleon: "I don't know, its never been done before."
(This is literally true. When Paris was taken by the coalition forces in 1814,
Napoleon could have easily recaptured it and continued the war, but his generals
and advisors, who wanted to SURRENDER, forced him to abdicate.)
I understand that when France was last invaded, the Mayor of Paris
greeted the enemy at the gates of the city and said, "Will you be
needing a table for 100,000?"
Is it true that Frenchmen have moustaches in honor of their mothers?
By the way . . thank you for planting all those trees along
Champs-Elysees . . it makes it a lot easier to march into Paris in the
shade.
1862 A.D. - French Intervention in Mexico. Result: Loss.
France takes advantage of the American Civil War to flout the Monroe Doctrine
and place a puppet Emperor, Maximilian of Austria, on the throne as Emperor of
Mexico. The Mexicans, under Benito Juarez, rebelled against their French
oppressors and restored freedom to Mexico. So the Frogs invaded them, leading to
the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862 (Cinco
De Mayo), in which 4,000 Mexicans defeated an army of 8,000 Frenchies and
Mexican traitors. The French manage to hang on in parts of Mexico for five more
years, until the Civil War ended and France was threatened with a second war
with America. Remembering the lesson of the Quasi-War, Napoleon III turned tail.
Poor Maximilian was captured and shot by enraged Mexicans.
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| The birth of the modern German nation, September 2, 1870, when Napoleon III SURRENDERED 100,000 French soldiers to the Prussians at Sedan. This banner was raised over the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, proclaiming "What a victory God has delivered!" |
1870 to 1871 A.D. - The Franco-Prussian War. Result: Loss.
France gets its first taste of German domination since the days of Chlodovech by
playing "whipping boy" to the Prussian
armies. As a result, the German Empire is born.
1914 to 1918 A.D. - World War I. Result:
Draw (saving a certain loss).
French provocation stemming from their loss in the Franco-Prussian War
leads to a German attack on France. America has to save France's butt
by sending General Pershing and his Expeditionary Forces to stop a
powerful German offensive.
Germany finally surrenders, signing the Treaty Of Versailles. As a
result of this war, thousands of French women finally find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but also to sleep with a
winner that doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
In the last months of the war, the Allies were led by a prominent
French general
named Ferdinand Foch. In keeping with the First Rule of French Warfare,
Foch was
the son of an Alsatian German and a Basque, which explains why he was
successful
in spite of his French citizenship.
1939 to 1945 - World War II. Result: Lost, and then lost again!
The Germans once again show the French who their "daddy" is, and once
again the Americans save their butts and liberate them from Germany.
France actually was the only country to lose World War II twice. It lost
the war in 1940 by SURRENDERING to the Germans, then joined sides with them
under the Vichy government which sent thousands of soldiers to the Waffen-SS.
The French were just learning the Horst Wessel Song when we arrived in
1944, causing France to lose again.
1954 A.D. - War in Indochina. Result: Loss.
Vietnamese rise up
against French forces at Dien Bien Phu. Some 45 days later, the French
desperately asked the United States to intervene. The U.S. refused, and
11 days later the French forces were overrun by the Vietnamese, choosing to
SURRENDER. French
excuses included "sickness" which some referred to as the "Dien Bien
Flu".
The French messed this one up so badly that even we couldn't fix it!
1954 to 1962 A.D. - Algerian Rebellion. Result: Loss.
The French defeat in this war marked the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkish Muslim force since the
end of
the Crusades in 1291!
From this war also came the First Rule of Muslim Warfare, which states:
"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First
Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Austrians, Prussians,
Huguenots and Esquimaux.
2001 to Present - War on Terrorism. Result: What do YOU think?
France continues to ask for more inspections, including health
inspections at most American-owned restaurant chains in France. The
restaurant inspections begin at the
McDonald's located just beneath the Arc De Triomphe. In tradition with
its rich military history, most experts believe that
French will at some point "pre-emptively surrender" to Germany or
perhaps a Muslim state, just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the
Vietnamese ambassador early in 2003 failed.
Famous quotes about the French military
1944 A.D. - General George S. Patton: "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French division behind me."
2003 A.D. - Secretary Of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld : "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
French's Mustard press release: "French's Mustard has no connection with the country of France. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."
From a recent poem: "Without a soldier worth a damn to be found in the region...France became the only land to need a Foreign Legion."
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien
